Leading up to and during the course of divorce proceedings, both Parties will likely see the worst sides of each other. This is only exacerbated when you are dealing with a narcissistic spouse.

In this article, we will explore the challenges that you are bound to face in divorcing a narcissist, as well as the ways to deal with consequent problems.

Identifying a Narcissistic Spouse

Often, the Party married to a narcissist would already be well aware of their spouse’s character.

Some common negative behavioural traits of narcissists are as follows:

• Self-centred
•  Lacking empathy or care for other people
•  Manipulative
•  Patronising
•  Demanding
•  Arrogant

It is also helpful to understand narcissism as a combination of the aforementioned traits that exist along a spectrum. Most people can exhibit varying levels of several traits from time to time. As such, many of us belong somewhere along the narcissism continuum, and can be described as having narcissistic tendencies.

Yet, while one may display some traits of a narcissist, they may not actually be diagnosed clinically as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (“NPD”).
Should you require help in ascertaining whether your spouse has NPD, please seek a professionally licensed Psychologist who can provide a proper clinical assessment as well as further support.

Challenges of Facing a Narcissist

Stemming from the aforementioned traits, commencing a divorce or any other form of matrimonial proceedings against a narcissistic spouse will be fraught with difficulties.

When dealing with a narcissistic spouse, one should expect that they will refuse or be highly reluctant to compromise. A narcissist will never admit to any fault, to keep in line with their self-perceived image of perfection.

Given that the narcissist has a compulsive need to be “right” and to always “win”, any attempt to reach an amicable resolution is unlikely to succeed. Instead, a narcissistic spouse will violate the rules of fair play in an attempt to achieve “victory”. The narcissist’s approach will essentially be “my way, or the highway”.
The likely scenarios when divorcing a narcissistic spouse are set out as follows:

• Reasons why the marriage has irretrievably broken down

1. The narcissist will not be likely to admit that they had a part to play in the breakdown of the marriage, even if it is factually true.
2.  Instead, the narcissist will attempt to push all the blame to their spouse.

• Division of matrimonial assets

1. The narcissist will likely seek for a higher proportion of the matrimonial assets, even if there is no basis to do so.
2. Narcissistic spouses will seek to exaggerate or emphasise their contributions to the marriage, while trivialising or marginalising the other Party’s contributions.

• Spousal maintenance

1. It is likely for a narcissistic spouse to make all aspects of a divorce difficult.
2.  As such, if the narcissist is requesting for spousal maintenance, this will likely be for an unreasonably high amount.
3. Conversely, where a Party requests that their narcissistic spouse provide them with spousal maintenance, the narcissist will likely offer the lowest sum possible, if at all.

• Custody, care and control of children

1. The narcissist may fight for sole care and control of the Parties’ children. This is because they would likely perceive themselves to be the superior parent who deserves to have their children.
2. It may even be that the narcissist will strive for sole custody of the child. To achieve this, the narcissist may attempt to skew past incidents out of context to their favour.

Ways to Deal with a Narcissist

It goes without saying that pursuing legal proceedings against a narcissist will be highly stressful and exhausting for you. As it will not be easy, please bear the following in mind:

• Document everything

1. Narcissists will portray events in a manner that paints them in the best light. As such, evidence is crucial to provide the Court with the most objective, uncoloured version of events.
2. Financial documents, including receipts and invoices, should be compiled and kept.
3.  Messages, voicemails, emails and other correspondences with the narcissist that can discredit their claims are also vital.

• Keep calm

1. Do your best not to get caught up in the shenanigans that the narcissist engages in.
2. It is important to maintain a rational mind and stay level-headed at all times. If you lose your cool, this could be exactly what the narcissist wants – they can then capitalise on your negative outbursts to depict you as an irritational Party.

• Ensure that the children are not affected

1. While the legal proceedings will be hard on you, they will often be even more difficult on your children.
2. In a typical divorce, the children have no say in their family being torn apart. When dealing with a narcissistic spouse, the stress on your children will likely be heightened as the narcissist will inevitably make the proceedings more difficult than necessary.
3. In some cases, the narcissist may even try to involve the children in the proceedings, causing them to feel even more distraught.
4. As such, it is important to ensure that your children are coping well, to the best of your abilities.

• Build a strong support system

1. With proceedings against your narcissistic spouse being stressful, it is necessary that you surround yourself with people who will support you emotionally throughout and even after the legal proceedings.
2. As your children’s mental health is correlated with yours as their parent, taking utmost care of yourself should also remain a priority.

Engaging a Family Lawyer
Beyond the aforementioned methods, it is also pertinent that you engage a knowledgeable Family Lawyer who has had experience dealing with narcissists. You can rest assured that come what may, your lawyer will be able to guide you through the stressful proceedings with the best advice for you.

Finding a Counsellor

For any Parties or other impacted family members who wish to seek therapy, finding a suitable Counsellor who can provide proper support is ideal during psychologically fraught times. Counsellors can conduct sessions online or face to face to offer professional support to Parties. Depending on what is most appropriate for their situation at hand, Parties can seek sole or joint counselling services as well. An experienced Counsellor who specialises in handling clients affected by narcissism would be well-positioned to provide guidance to either or both Parties as needed.